Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?