Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Covert ops

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

the red hot silly peppers

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest