Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

see next tweet for some translations

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.