A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.