A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Meow
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.