A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
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I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
He instantly became one of the bros
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh