Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.