Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above