Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.