A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
sigh
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*