Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

orange cat behavior

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.