A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
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Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I would move hell over six inches for you
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.