A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
This could be us but you eatin’
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.