A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.