A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
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bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
this has to be peak English
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”