Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?