A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”