A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me opening up to someone
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.