A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
look at me when i’m typing to you
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
That’s enough internet for the day
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh