A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Chicken bread
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m too immature for adultery.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*