I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?