@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

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@Diversion50

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@notthenanny

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

@famouscrab

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

@MaryJustice86

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

@TheHyyyype

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

@SondraDeeMe

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

@HatfieldAnne

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

@lisawhiteWHAT

My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?