A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.