@AJslackie2: I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@mexinonblonde: *crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks* What do you want? Him-Whatever you want. Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*

@ultrakristian: Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

@NewDadNotes: My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@22_Minutes: Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.