@bornmiserable [Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
@robdelaney A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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@bornmiserable 
@Eden_Eats Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I’m reading?
@flashember [Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
@PLATINUM2000 My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
@grillyjoel JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
@EddieHarris216 6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.
@818Newbie I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
@CrapLocalNews Breaking news:
@3sunzzz My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
@blade_funner [commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?