A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Had an epiphany today.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater