[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
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[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.