Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

socratic questions

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.