A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The honesty is refreshing
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
#CoronaOutbreak
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired