Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye