A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”