Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

this makes me so uncomfortable

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

wish me luck lads

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.