Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

knights of the ikea table

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?