Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

These work great until they don’t.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”