A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
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Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*