A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
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Gods work.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
lmao
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“Why you watching this shit?”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.