A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
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“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning