A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.