Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Saturday

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

going to bed

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.