Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *