A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Already got one
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.