A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened