A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Pretty much. 🤣
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen