A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
You Might Also Like
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.