A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Barbie gone wild
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.