A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I need to sieze this.