A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
found this cool rock hiking today
just pretend nothing happened
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure