a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.