a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
i wish i could marry a nap
Trying
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum