a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Managing expectations
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?