Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

😂😂😂

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed