A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.