A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
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Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?