A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
You Might Also Like
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Traveler’s camo
sigh
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs