A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
accurate
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The 4 stages of a family vacation
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.