A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
You Might Also Like
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened