A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.