A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
she has a point
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Um … Hot Wings please
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Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”