Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Super Hand Dog Face

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder