A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Lmfaoooooo
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.