Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Worth remembering.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

kevin is now a local weatherman

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.