a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
LA today:
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!