Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’