A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?