A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Care for your back
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.