A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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me when somebody idk start touching me
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.