Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

english majors be like furthermore

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.