A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Erm I’m gonna say no
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Thank you corporation very cool
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”