this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
2022 be like
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family