A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?