A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks