A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.