A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous