Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Found the job I’m suited for

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!