A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes