Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up