A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Cake safety first. Always.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.