Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.