A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
True statement👍😏😁
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job