A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.