A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
That’s classic.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.