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Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.