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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
uh oh
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?