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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
#parenting
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.