a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Do one person every day that scares you.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Okay
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on