Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages